Fun with CT
by Tom Valor
Summary: Random parodies of the CT world and Ragnarok in general.
1. We orphans

Disclaimer: None of the stories that appear in "Fun with CT" actually happened in the actual Crimson Twilight world. These are random bits of events born of the author poking fun at himself and things around him.

As a minor note, don't worry, the actual CT is always in progress.

**We orphans**

Baelthran's was unusually full for the evening. With the raydric army having been pushed back, it was a time for celebration. There were plenty of bars in central Prontera for people to celebrate in but the once obscure Baelthran's was experiencing a sudden influx of customers. Many of them were there just to catch a glimpse of his most famous customers. The paladin, Makaelthos Solcry and his friends sat by the bar, each one of them having ordered their favorites; Morroc wine for Makaelthos, Payon spirits for Eliarainne and Kreizen, Geffen wine for Trenzein and water for the relatively cheap Silmeia and Seihanine. There was no talk of war for this night. Nobody wanted to be reminded that tomorrow, they had to clean up the remaining enemies. For tonight, it was time for good drinks (except for the high priestess and the sniper who wouldn't even make an exception for the occasion to order something that cost something) and enjoyment of familiar company. Feeling chatty, Baelthran decided to join them. He had to find a topic that didn't provoke a flashback though. With Makaelthos around, that was going to be difficult.

"Everyone's certainly come a long way! You all look a lot different ever since this siege!" Baelthran exclaimed. Well that was safe enough. Makaelthos nodded in reply. No flashback in sight. Kreizen raised his tankard.

"Damn right! We routed them like they were glass dolls! One of the best times I've had!" Kreizen answered! Feeling confident, Baelthran continued.

"And here I am serving Prontera's finest! My pop, Baeldran over at Juno would be proud I'm doing so well here. Not as proud as your folks, I'll bet!"

The mood died so fast, the Lord of Death would have blushed if it was around. Makaelthos started swirling his wine. "Yes, they would have been." He said. Baelthran started berating himself. How could he have said something so careless? Damn it all. Now he had to get this done. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Sir Makaelthos. I wouldn't have mentioned it if I knew your parents were dead." He hastily added.

Makaelthos shook his head. "It's alright. My parents died before I could even remember them properly. Kallifen was as close a father as I could get and, well, he's dead too."

The resulting gloom around the paladin threatened to freeze the wine he was holding. Panicked, Baelthran turned towards Eliarainne. "What about you, Rainne? I'm sure this victory will prove to your father how great the knights are!" He forced a grin. He just had to get out of this black hole of gloom the paladin was generating.

The lord knight shrugged. "Actually he's my uncle. I found out that my real father is the blood knight and then I killed him shortly after that. At least my mother is who the official records say she is. But that means she still died during childbirth."

Baelthran didn't even answer. He turned to Silmeia. Almost immediately he regretted it. It was too late, sensing the barkeep's eyes on her, Silmeia started. "My parents were killed in Glastheim when Lystra and I were little." She explained "Speaking for Agranias, he did tell me that his mother also died during childbirth and his father was essentially Mei'then Sovivor, who's also dead."

"Well I'm sorry for your losses." Baelthran mumbled. He wasn't going to look at Trenzein or the others but it was too late. By the time, Silmeia mentioned her parents, the effect was akin to a landslide of dead parent stories. Trenzein didn't even need any prodding.

"Dad was killed by a bunch of wizard separatists. My mom died after killing every one of them. What about you, Sei?" Trenzein asked. Baelthran shook his head. So it was self-perpetuating now. It even made the usually quiet Seihanine talk about herself.

"Mother died giving birth to me while my father died next to your father, Zein." She answered. Kreizen nodded to confirm the story.

Baelthran handed the sniper a new glass of water. The last one had frozen solid after Seihanine accidentally held it close to Makaelthos. "So you're all orphans. What a strange fate you all share." He said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

Throwing his frozen wine glass away, Trenzein suddenly spoke up. "You know what? I'll bet my cloak that we all have some forgotten memories of a time when we all knew each other in an orphanage!"

Everyone was quiet after that. Taking a sip from her glass, it was Seihanine who answered first.

"Trenzein, that's lame."

Khaesilya, who was standing behind Makaelthos all the time suddenly raised her hand.

"I was born from the great sacred pool where all sohees come from. It's still alive."


	2. Assassinitis

**Assassinitis**

With a groan, Agranias opened his eyes and, almost immediately, a flood of memories struck his still dazed mind. He had fainted. Out in the middle of the street too. It was rather embarassing that he, the tall and powerful Agranias, would faint for no apparent reason.

"About time you were awake." Someone spoke. Agranias recognized the strong, commanding tone of Osiris. A brief, whispered prayer seemed to fly past him. The next moment, there was a glowing blue ball hovering before them. It was night time in Prontera, it seems. The infirmary was quiet. Agranias felt around his face and realized something strange.

A pair of katars were strapped to his hands.

Surprised, Agranias sat up. Osiris's bandaged visage came to full view as he did so. There was something forbidding, and a little frightened, in the mummy's stare. "The katars are the least of your worries, Agranias. Look in the mirror." Osiris said.

Conveniently enough, there was a full-length mirror in the infirmary. The ruwach's light was strong enough for him to get a full view of himself. The abysmal knight nearly stumbled back in horror.

His hair had turned white, completely white. It stood on end like the spines of a cactus. His eyes, once-black, had turned crimson, the color of blood. His once-massive build had shrunk to thin, wiry, almost womanly proportions. He wasn't wearing any armor too. The protective black plates were replaced by lots and lots of bandages. Enough bandages to make Osiris jealous. Panicked, Agranias unwrapped himself. In horror, his once-pale skin was now tanned, perfectly tanned at that, and covered with criss-crossing scars as if, at one point in his life, he had decided to run naked through a field of whirling blades. "What happened to me!?" He gasped.

Osiris laid a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. "You are suffering from a bad case of assassinitis, Agranias. I figured that it wasn't long before the long-term symptoms appeared. It's caused by a prolonged loving relationship with priestesses and it's hit you quite hard. If we don't act quickly you will soon start telling me and everyone around you how we shouldn't get involved with you lest we are swallowed by the howling, empty void within you. Don't panic, though, there is a cure."

Agranias, terribly frightened for the first time in his life, nodded and looked to Osiris for help. "You married a High Priestess! Surely you went through this, Osiris!" He said.

The mummy nodded sagely. "I did. It was quite the crisis in my empire too. To completely cure me, Isis spent an entire day slapping my face to clear me of accumulated emo and then locked me in a room for an entire week to party. We had to replace the hired revelers every day. It was an ordeal but I was cured. We'll have to get High Priestess Silmeia to do the same for you."

Resolved, Agranias agreed and headed for outside. "Let us hurry then. I already feel something CRAAAAWWLIIING IIIIIN MYYYY SKIIIIIIN!!!!"

Clamping his hand over his mouth, Agranias ran outside the infirmary with Osiris right behind him.


	3. Written by the author and a coauthoress

**A chapter written by the author and a co-authoress**

Finally, the encounter happened. First Knightess Commanderess Eliarainne Sialsanderin, Prontera's only lord knightess, stood face to face with NightKnife's infamous guild mistress, the stalkeress, Trynis Eviskrae. They were going to start killing each other at last. However, it was customary to ask each other about their past. Fights were sudden and unpredictable things. If they waited for the killing blow before they start narrating their life story, they might bleed to death before they got to the good part.

Trynis was the first to speak. "So whore-knightess, you can at least tell me why you became a knightess and not a crusaderess as was the path chosen by Makaelthos."

Eliarainne nodded. "Sure, but in return you must tell me why you became a roguess instead of an assassiness. To start off, my uncle actually wanted me to be a blacksmithess, or at least, an alchemistess. Any profession that stemmed from being a merchantess but I decided what to do with my life in the end."

Trynis listened to the entire story. Once it ended, she started without so much as a preamble. "I planned to be a priestess or a monkess but Morroc is a harsh place and naïve dreams simply burn up in the desert. I prefered the subtlety of a roguess over the blundering raw speed of an assassiness. Thus my path became clear."

It was Eliarainne who listened for hours this time. Once the lifestories were complete, the two charged each other in a truly epic fightess.


	4. Slash

**Slash**

It had been a month since the incident in Glastheim. Kreizen Xalascent, ever the wandering businessman, decided that the best way to forget such a dark event was to continue his travels throughout Rune-Midgard. Accompanying him was his younger sister Seihanine and the wizard, Trenzein Zaisen. They were traveling through the southern payonese forest, while they made their way to Alberta. From there, Kreizen planned to take a ship to Amatsu and spend a few months with a shop there. Nigh time had settled however, forcing the trio to camp for the night.

"You two stay here and keep the fire going. I'll hunt for something to eat." Seihanine offered. Without waiting for a reply she stalked off into the forest, leaving her brother and Trenzein alone with each other. In a chilly night. Under the full moon. While they were hot and sweaty from the long trek.

Seihanine had a lot in her mind even as she pointed her bow at an unfortunate pecopeco that had decided to break from its flock. Her entire life seemed to be incest, incest, incest. She was getting sick of this incest plot that her story had revolved around. The arrow flew and the pecopeco fell over dead. Seihanine put the bow away and hoisted the carcass over her shoulders. They were going to have some roasted peco for the night.

As soon as she returned, however, Seihanine dropped the carcass in horror and fell back. Before her very eyes, Trenzein and Kreizen were locked in a passionate embrace. A wind, seemingly out of nowhere was blowing only on them, ruffling their clothes and hair. The moon had grown thrice as big and strange, luminous bubbles floated around the two. Their entwined bodies were surrounded and illuminated by a soft pink light. Seihanine's jaw dropped.

'Good God, and I thought the incest plot was awful!' She thought. Suddenly, something dropped from the trees and next to her. Seihanine whirled and readied her bow. It was Maiha! She had survived the fight in Glastheim!

The psychotic assassin was not in a good shape for fighting though. Even though she had fallen, she was still staring at the two men by the campfire. Her mouth was foaming even as bits of drool hit the forest floor. "Forget the sadomasochism." She giggled to herself. "This is what's worth slaughtering the clan for!"


	5. All in the name

**All in the name**

With their so called "spice" delivery mission complete, it was time for Eliarainne and Silmeia to leave the desert town of Morroc for the safety of Prontera's walls. The mission had taken an odd turn indeed. Silmeia had thought that the worst they had to worry about was sand in their undergarments. Then they suddenly had to deal with thieves, a pack of sandmen and what could be the most notorious guild in Morroc. Fortunately they had help from a morrocan swordsman and his sohee companion. They were still covered in a grimy mixture of sand and blood, with Eliarainne looking particularly disheveled. The swordswoman insisted on not staying another hour in Morroc, however. She was sick of thieves, heat and sand.

"Thank you for all your help, sir." Silmeia bowed politely as she spoke to the swordsman. He bowed in return, some of his dark brown curls poking at his eyes as he did so. He smiled and was about to go away when Eliarainne called out after him.

"Hey! Could we get your name at least?" the swordswoman asked.

The swordsman turned around and smiled. "My name is Makaelthos, Makaelthos Justysgard" He answered.

Eliarainne paused a while, as if figuring something important out. "Justysgard, eh? Are you planning to become a crusader?" She asked.

Makaelthos looked surprised when he answered. "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

Eliarainne shrugged her shoulders. "It was a lucky guess. Anyway, I'm Eliarainne Fiercelans and this is my best friend, Silmeia Holiecascade. Thank you for everything, Makaelthos Justysgard. And you too…um."

Makaelthos nudged his sohee companion gently who stepped forward shyly in response. "My name is Khaesilya."

Both Eliarainne and Silmeia stared blankly at the sohee. Flustered, she fidgeted a bit. "Khaesilya…um…um…Servantbleid?" She offered. Both their faces brightened with realization at her answer. Khaesilya was quiet for a while and then asked another question. "Are you going to be a knight and a priestess?"

Eliarainne's eyes widened with surprise. "Wow! You must be a telepathic sohee to guess so accurately!" She exclaimed.

Khaesilya backed away and took her place behind Makaelthos.

"Um…not really…"

* * *

"We should introduce ourselves properly now that we're out of that hole of gloom called Glastheim. My name's Trenzein, Trenzein Spellfire" Trenzein offered. He sounded unusually cheery, especially since a lot of terrible things just happened in Glasheim. Seihanine had huddled by her corner of the room, still bandaged up. She had taken the deaths of most of her family quite terribly. Trenzein was silent, unsure if he said the right thing. He hated the gloomy atmosphere and wanted to work on dispelling it as quick as possible. 

Kreizen seemed to understand. Already, he wanted to put the near-destruction of his clan behind him and move forward. "I agree. Thank you for all your help, Trenzein Spellfire. My name is Kreizen Anvilstrike. Over there is my younger sister, Seihanine Icebow."

Trenzein stared at the two siblings in puzzlement. "Anvilstrike and Icebow? But…aren't you brother and sister? Why the different surnames?" He asked.

Kreizen nodded, acknowledging Trenzein's predicament. "Well, I'm a blacksmith and my sister is a huntress." He added helpfully.

Trenzein continued to stare when there was no additional explanation. "…and?" He asked.

Kreizen looked at the wizard quizzically. "And…what?" He returned.

Trenzein scratched his tousled hair and sat down.

"Nevermind."


	6. Plant

**Plant**

"_There are plenty of herbs here we can use, it will be a waste if we don't try to get some of them at least. Take this knife and take some stalks of those green herbs over there, they help with your hangover."_

Kreizen Xalascent, ever the thrifty one when it came to things not related to food, drink or crafting material, had agreed with his younger sister about making use of the herb patch she had found near the trail from Prontera to Al de baran. His concoction for hangover required green herb stalks and quaffing a glass of the evil-tasting liquid was better than an expensive, prolonged stay in an inn. He glanced over his shoulder and watched the huntress work on some herbs just behind him. With a small, pruning knife in his hand, he shrugged his shoulders and bent his knees. The forests of Mt.Mjolnir were slightly different from what he was used to in Payon. The plants here were gigantic, with leaves wide enough to be used for tents. The flowers were easily bigger than men's heads and the smell of their pollen ranged from delicately fragrant to sickly sweet. The ground was covered with knee-high grass save for around the trail. Trees, white-barked and straight, towered above them, their branches spreading only near their tops. The damp morning air reminded him of Payon only Al de baran's was much colder. His heavy, steel-capped boots sank into the moist soil when he crouched forcing him to lean on one tree for balance. He glanced around, making sure that none of Mt. Mjolnir's creatures were nearby, even though his much more perceptive sister had already told him that there were none. He had only been bitten by a argiope once. His leg had turned blue and swelled for three days before he recovered. The blacksmith did not have three days to spend on Mt.Mjolnir. He didn't even want to waste more hours than necessary. 'Right, let's get these herbs and be on our way.' He thought to himself. He grasped one green plant by the leaves and gently cut at its stem.

Which didn't part.

Curious, Kreizen inspected the knife, checking to see if it was dull. As a blacksmith, it was a point of pride for him that every blade on his person was carefully sharpened and in perfect condition. The pruning knife was no exemption. Frowning, he cut again, a little harder this time.

The herb wasn't even nicked.

Perplexed, Kreizen hacked at the green plant thrice in rapid succession. The blade struck true each time but the herb remained whole. Furious, he pulled out a bigger knife from his belt and hacked at the plant as if it was an argiope in disguise. Again the plant remained whole. "Eddga take this herb! How can a plant be so tough!? If I knew this, I'd be forging armor made from green plants a long time ago!" He pulled out his two-axe and swung it with both hands, cutting at the green plant with all his years of forging. Three times he swung and the finely honed oridecon edge cut across the ground, raising clumps of mud and spattering them on the nearby, white-barked trees. He hit the plant each time but it remained attacked to its stalk.

"That was the ninth, right?" Seihanine suddenly walked up next to him. Panting, he counted the number of times he did attack the thing.

"Yes, nine times. Nine times this blasted plant refused to be cut!"

Seihanine sighed and crouched next to the plant. With a gentle cut from her pruning knife she easily cut the plant and collected its stalk. "Herbalists' tip, my brother, tenth time is always the charm." She said. Confounded, Kreizen looked on as his sister went through the rest of the plants, cutting at their stalks exactly ten times before collecting them.


	7. Apples

Apples

"Are you alright, Kreizen!?"

Seihanine watched the forest warily as she asked the question; normally ice-blue eyes liquid with concern. The forests near the hunter guild house belonged to a tribe of sohees called Neinvaas. The only sohee tribe to settle outside the Payon caves. A while ago, she and her brother Kreizen had run afoul of them after delivering a load of arrows. Three sohees, their dark hair whipping about in frenzy and their crimson eyes gleaming with bloodlust, had attacked them. After a scuffle, there were two hacked apart corpses on the mossy forest floor; another one had several arrows sticking out of it. Kreizen had taken several gashes across his chest though. He had stepped between his sister and the trio, to give the huntress some distance to use her bow. Right now he was sitting with his back against a tree while he caught his breath. His cart had fallen on its side next to him, spilling the arrows he had all over the floor. "I'll be fine, Sei. Grab a white potion from my cart will you? These gashes are pretty deep." Kreizen reassured his sister.

"We've run out of potions, my brother." Seihanine bit down on her lower lip as she answered. She had drunk the last vial of the white liquid when they dealt with some horongs the other day. They were planning to restock using the profits from this delivery.

"Don't blame yourself, Sei. Just hand me that sack over there next to the arrows." Kreizen pointed at a bulging burlap sack next to the cart. Seihanine went over and picked it up. The sack was heavy and she had to use both arms to haul it next to her injured brother. Kreizen chuckled and stuck his hand into the sack. "I guess I'll make do with these."

The blacksmith pulled out an apple from the sack and began eating in. He ate so fast that he was tossing away the core and pulling out another apple before Seihanine could even blink. More apple cores hit the forest floor when, all of a sudden, the gashes on Kreizen's chest seemed to shrink. When a small pile of apple cores stacked up next to the blacksmith, the wounds were mere scratches. The entire sack was empty when Kreizen stood up as good as new. Even the tears on his chain armor had fixed themselves. Grinning, he stood his cart upright and piled the arrows on it. "Well, that's that. Let's get moving, Sei!"

"I'm just glad we didn't stock up on sweet potatoes while we were in Morroc." The huntress muttered.


	8. Quest skill

Quest skill

Seihanine Xalascent quickened her stride as she followed her half-sister through the forest south of Payon. Maiha's visits were rare but always a welcome distraction to the monotony of clan training. Ahead of her, the thief effortlessly walked at a brisk pace. Seihanine wondered on just what kind of training her half-sister took in Morroc. The southern forests of Payon were warmer and inhabited by more benign creatures such as willows. Maiha had pulled her from knitting class excitedly, saying she had learn a new skill that would be impressive. Seihanine had agreed readily. She had always looked up to Maiha, who was only a few years short of taking the assassin test while she was in her first year of being an archer.

"This looks like a good spot!" Maiha suddenly stopped and spoke. They were standing in a clearing with a few wandering willows nearby. The tree-creatures, resembling nothing more than hollow trunks of partly rotten wood, meandered about. Archers often used them for target practice. They multiplied quickly and choked out plant life if their numbers remained unchecked.

"So can I see this special skill you learned?" Seihanine asked while trying to hide her eagerness.

The thief nodded in response. "You know how we thieves are always at a disadvantage because our daggers our short and we have no means to attack from a range, right? Well, I learned a means to compensate for that. With this move, I can attack from a range like you archers and, if I hit the right spot, addle my target for a brief moment."

Seihanine was impressed. It did sound like a useful skill. "Show it to me please, Maiha!"

"Sure thing!" Maiha answered. With one swift movement, the thief plucked something round and gray from her pouch. With a snap of the wrist she threw it, smacking a willow on the head. Enraged, the tree-creature rushed her but she finished the injured thing off with a dagger thrust that splinted its head. She glanced over her younger half-sister and winked.

Seihanine stared for a while, still waiting for the special skill. Slowly, it dawned on her that she had just seen it. "Did you just chuck a rock at that willow?" She asked incredulously.

"No, I used a ranged, neutral property-based attack with a small chance of stunning." Maiha answered.

"I'm pretty sure you just chucked a rock at the willow, Maiha."

"It only looks that way, Sei. It's a high level skill only we thieves can do!"


	9. Armor

**Armor**

Prontera's market district was especially crowded for the day. It was two more days before the annual mid-year tournament. Various people from all the corners of Rune-Midgard were arriving to prove their skills and win the prize money. With the tide of potential customers rolling in, the entrepreneurs of Prontera were poised for business. Merchants had their wares lined up while blacksmiths brought out their finest works. Visiting knights would shop for their equipment and the forgers were more than eager to supply.

Kreizen Xalascent's smithy was no exemption. Though his shop was a small, squat building around the outskirts of the market district but people sought him out specifically. He needed no crier, his weapons and armor advertised themselves. Seihanine Xalascent was not surprised to hear the loud clanging of hammer against anvil at the crack of dawn when she checked up on him. Sure enough, she found her brother working on something by his emperium anvil. "Ho, Sei, you're pretty early." He remarked without turning.

Seihanine sighed in response. "Speak for yourself, my brother. What are you working on this time?"

Kreizen continued pounding. Even he felt it rude to talk to people with your back turned but he didn't dare turn his back on his work now. "Just a bit of armor a customer commissioned me to enhance. Five units of elunium! Can you believe it? I had my doubts it could handle that many but the money was good..."

"So have you accomplished it?" Seihanine asked. She never doubted her brother's ability to forge. She didn't have to look at the works of others to know that he was one of the greatest, if not the greatest.

Kreizen wiped the sweat from his brow and grinned. "I sure did! Five units of solid elunium to provide great protection! I doubt any blacksmith can do better!" He was finished. In pride, he held out the piece.

Seihanine stared at the white, triangular piece of cloth. "Those are panties, my brother." She remarked. Where five units of elunium could possibly go on the piece of women's underwear, she didn't want to know.

"Not just any panties; they're especially armored panties that are ready to take an axe head on. I believe he also wanted these enchanted with the essence of a savage so I recommended Trenzein to him."

"Him, Kreizen? Your customer is a man?"

The blacksmith nodded as if everything still made perfect sense. Then he smote his palm with a fist. "Oh, that's right! I did promise to enhance your headgear, Sei! Now where is it…ah, here it is!"

Kreizen opened a small closet near his forge and took out what appeared to be an apple with an arrow stuck to it. Seihanine did not know why the apple had stopped rotting ever since she stuck that arrow to it but she didn't really care. Whatever improved her aim was alright. The blacksmith held the piece of fruit with a pair of tongs and stuck it inside his forge, ready to enhance its armor.

* * *

A/N: For those who might have difficulty understanding, enhancing armor simply means upgrading it. A unit of elunium means a 1 to the def so 5 units enhancement means a 5 to the armor. Enchanted with savage essence means it is slotted and compounded with the savage card. 


End file.
